It should come as no surprise to any of our readers that there are some absurd laws on the books of these United States. Most chalk it up to the group-think failures of asinine committees. Yet there must be more to the story, as these tweets from “A Crime A Day” illustrate. Some of our nation’s laws completely defy explanation.
7 USC §7414(i)(4)(D) & 7 CFR §1218.107 make it a federal crime for a member of the U.S. Highbush Blueberry Council to reveal how a blueberry handler voted in a blueberry referendum.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) April 25, 2018
Revealing how blueberry handlers voted… that’s how foreign agents undermine the confidence in our democratic process.
7 USC §8313(a)(1)(A), 8306 & 9 CFR §93.311 make it a federal crime to use horse cream from a quarantined horse unless you're in charge of the horse.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) April 22, 2018
This seems self-explanatory, though I’m not sure how anyone ever truly establishes that they are in charge of a horse.
18 USC §114 & §7(4) make it a federal crime to pour scalding water on someone while on an island that contains enough bat feces that the president calls dibs on the island.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) April 21, 2018
Guano is a precious renewable resource. Plus, bats are mammals that can fly. No wonder the President wants dibs on their islands.
21 USC §§331, 351, 360d & 21 CFR §801.430(f) make it a federal crime to manufacture tampons unless you test their absorbency with this contraption: pic.twitter.com/yKh0Yli2TO
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) April 19, 2018
This might be a case of honest good intentions, but it seems a bit odd that the law would still be on the books.
18 USC §1382 & 32 CFR §636.28(b) make it a federal crime to ride a moped into Fort Stewart unless you're facing forward.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) April 17, 2018
Too many clowns at Fort Stewart riding mopeds backwards? Honestly, there’s a story here that wasn’t included in the final text of the law.
21 USC §676 & 9 CFR §317.8(b)(5)(ii)(b) make it a federal crime to sell stack-packed bacon unless at least 70% of the length of the representative slice is visible in the transparent window of the package.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) April 15, 2018
Seems logical to me. Nothing worse than ponying up for pork products, only to find the fat to lean ratio was deceptively displayed.
There are no federal crimes relating to Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September.”
Thank you for your emails.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) April 13, 2018
…but, if the final inspection of sheep carcasses with measles shows more than five sheep measles cysts, the entire carcass has to be condemned or heated to 140 °F after you remove the parts with sheep measles…
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) April 10, 2018
The specificty of some of the laws is heartening. This one seems like it would be a good idea. Though they could have stopped with making measles infested meat a crime.
21 USC §601(n)(7), 610, 676 & 9 CFR §319.309 make it a federal crime to sell "Beans with Frankfurters in Sauce" if it isn't at least 20% frankfurters by weight.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) April 9, 2018
But what about “beans and weenies?” What kind of ratio for that? I’ve never seen “Beans with Frankfurters in Sauce” for sale.
16 USC §460d & 36 CFR §327.2(g) make it a federal crime to drive a car without a muffler at a federal water resource development project.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) April 4, 2018
We must protect the water from noise pollution.
7 USC §§8303, 8313 & 9 CFR §98.34(c)(7)(i) make it a federal crime to import Chinese pig semen from a pig whose handlers touched other animals during the collection period, but not if it was their dog or cat.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) April 3, 2018
This is one of those imports that never gets much mention in the discussion of tariffs and trade wars.
15 USC §330d & 15 CFR §908.3(a)(2) & §908.4 make it a federal crime to use a fire to evaporate fog unless you file a report at least 10 days in advance.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) March 30, 2018
Just a heads up…. In 10 days time, I plan on clearing some fog with fire. If only I could figure out who I needed to file this report with.
21 USC §§331, 333, 352(f) & 21 CFR §344.52(c)(2) make it a federal crime to sell ear-drying drops without warning people not to put the ear drops in their eyes.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) March 24, 2018
Because people are not incredibly bright, we must all spell out exactly what goes where.
10 USC §2674(c) & 32 CFR §234.11(a) make it a federal crime to drink alcohol at the Pentagon without written authorization.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) March 20, 2018
How does one get this written authorization? I’d dearly love to go to the Pentagon and have a beer with the brass.
7 USC §7734, 7 CFR §322.28(a)(1) & §322.32(a) make it a federal crime to mail a package of dead bees to the United States unless you write that it has DEAD BEES in it on every side of the box, using black letters at least 1 inch tall.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) March 16, 2018
DEAD BEES. DEAD BEES. DEAD BEES. DEAD BEES. DEAD BEES. DEAD BEES. DEAD BEES.
21 USC §458, §460, 9 CFR §381.1 & §381.158 make it a federal crime to sell an 8 oz. chicken, turkey, goose, duck, or young pigeon pie if it's less than 1⅛ oz. of the specified bird.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) March 15, 2018
Like many writers, my math skills aren’t what they should be. Still, I find this equation most challenging. And I can’t stop wondering about that extra 1/8 ounce.
21 USC §§601(n)(1), 610, 676 & 9 CFR §317.8(b)(12) make it a federal crime to sell meat with a label that uses the word "meat" in a misleading way.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) March 10, 2018
How many adolescent uses of the word meat had to occur before the government shut this one down?
40 USC §6307 & 36 CFR §520.4(h) make it a federal crime to play a ball game at the National Zoo, except in an officially-designated ball game area.
— A Crime a Day (@CrimeADay) March 8, 2018
There go my afternoon plans. Actually, I’m more curious about where in the National Zoo this reported ball game area is.