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‘There are but few places for a man to charge his iPad’: Letters Home From America’s ‘Second Civil War’

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As Americans approached the 4th of July this year, the political divide was as deep as it has been in years. The news of potential Supreme Court appointees and the ongoing discussion about immigration dominated headlines. Yet some on the fringes hear the drumbeats of a coming war. The bellicose rhetoric, though, has generated some great satire.

The Washington Post has gotten in on the Second Civil War humor. “We here at Retropolis (motto: “The past, rediscovered”) don’t ordinarily take detours into the realm of parody. However, in the past 24 hours, a phenomenon has exploded online — one that, ironically, may be useful for future historians who must try to distill what it was like to live in these times.”

The hashtag is riffing on the old Ken Burns motif. Civil war letters, read in dramatic and sad voices, give some of the most stirring first hand accounts we have of our nation’s first Civil War.

Now those voices can be invoked once again, for these imagined letters from Civil War II.

“My Dear John, The war isn’t going as planned,” Blount tweeted Monday night. “Our supply trucks are limited. I’m out of wine and sunscreen. The enemy burned all the books and there is no place to recharge my Kindle. The only music is an old CD of Justin Bieber. – All is lost.”

“We have snuck behind enemy lines and removed the gender-specific signage from their latrines. Now we wait for their bladders to explode.”

“Our foe confounds us. Though they claim to love both the Constitution and the Bible, they seem to have not read either. And don’t get me started on how they treat people actually named Jesus.”

“General DeGrasse Tyson had our battalion dress as climate change, and we easily slipped past the MAGA fortifications. They refused to believe we had arrived until it was too late.”

“My dearest Fanny, We survived an ambush by red hats today by changing road signs from directions to Rand Paul’s home to RuPaul’s home. Many were confused and simply returned to their camp. Love, Ben”

“My Dearest, the war rages on here in LA we are holding back the MAGA’s from advancing on the Hollywood Elite. Morale is high and troops well fed as there are taco trucks on every corner. We are using libraries as camps as MAGA’s fear books. ”

“Dear Wife, Redhats abandoned their Walmart post after the resistance uniforms arrived. We must leave Austin. They have no strongholds near facilities of higher education. I fear there is no sushi where we are going, but my suffering will not be in vain.”

Dear Fellows, I wanted to join you for the attack today. Nobody is a better attacker than me; believe me. Never in history has there has ever been a better attacker than me. But my bone spurs have flared up, and I have a tee time at 09:00. Good luck.

My Dearest Mother, Fighting has been fierce in Florida. I am grateful to be alive. I was shot at the Battle of Mar a Lago, but the bullet was stopped by a copy of “On the Origin of Species” that I always carry in my breast pocket.

“My dearest rose, There are but few places in this heathen field for a man to charge his iPad. Worse, I fear you must imagine the lunch I am having, as the Instagrams is down. Fabulously, Heath X Buford, 1st Hipster Batallion, The Fighting Kale Wraps”

Dearest John, The MAGAts are holding strong in the southern part of our state. But, fear not my love, for Canada has sent supplies from WM- bacon, generic Rogaine, and Funyuns. We use these to lure out groups and capture them swiftly. The tide turns!

“My love, I’m unsure you will ever read this. I was captured at the battle of Starbucks and have been forced to watch the Dukes of Hazard for what feels like eternity. When I asked for water, I was given Budweiser, when I asked for bread I was given KFC.”

“My love, I’m on the front line, pinned down between Williams-Sonoma and Chili’s. We’ve incurred heavy casualties (soccer travel season thinning our ranks), but morale is high. Just stay alive. I WILL find you, even if my iPhone is at 2 percent.”