Those of you who are married will undoubtedly recognize yourself here. You can go to all of the church sponsored marriage classes you want, and there’s still nothing that will actually prepare you for the real thing. And if you’re not married, I’d offer this–read these tweets carefully; You may think they’re funny now….
87% of married sex starts with someone pausing House Hunters.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 3, 2016
Maybe I need to be watching more house hunters! You know–so I can stop watching it. That might help.
Marriage is basically just looking over at your partner saying "Did you hear that?" Every time your body makes a weird noise.
— The Fantastic Mr.Fox (@Camel_Crushin) July 6, 2016
As I get older, my hearing is slowly going. Soon enough, I’ll be able to honestly answer no.
Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.
Me: No need. I'll remember.
[an hour later]
Wife: What did you buy?
Me: A panda.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016
I’m the kind of husband who gets the list and then promptly loses it.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
This is a very true statement. And it never ends, even after the lessons are learned.
Marriage, because you need to know you were folding a bag of chips wrong your entire life.
— Dan (@Social_Mime) February 11, 2016
This is why they invented the phrase “duly noted.”
[watching a video of melted cheese being poured on food]
Husband: Whatcha doing?
— Jenn (@heyevergreen) April 17, 2016
She needs to cut off more episodes of House Hunters.
My husband can sleep through anything except me shining a tiny light briefly on the book I'm reading in bed.
— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) August 6, 2016
Guilty as charged.
That moment when you turn a corner and scare the hell out of each other and then you both get mad like it was on purpose.
— Downtime Dad (@DowntimeDad) May 6, 2016
I’ve actually never had this problem–the wife just won’t scare.
My wife & I just snoozed 2 separate alarm clocks for 2.5 hrs. This is the exact relationship I hoped for.
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) May 18, 2016
Yeah, yeah. Wait till you have kids.
Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other "do you have to do that right now?"
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 23, 2016
Like watching House Hunters.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 30, 2015
I make her investigate the noises, as she never gets scared by anything.
🎶 You take the good, you take the bad, you took the leftovers, now I'm mad. 🎶
-The Facts of Wife
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) December 3, 2015
Sing it, children of the 80s.
I had to wipe baby poop off my wife's foot.
I don't remember that one being in our wedding vows.
My wife assures me it was in there.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 29, 2016
Yeah, you wish you could go back to snoozing the alarm clock for 2.5 hours.
It was while watching husband eat 9 hard-boiled eggs in one sitting that I realized I'd achieved my childhood dream of marrying Gaston.
— 🕷Vampire Valerie🎃 (@ValeeGrrl) May 15, 2016
I can eat 50 eggs.
me: HONEY COME DOWN to THE BASEMENT!
wife: are u dressed as Pickachu again?
me: NO NO, ITS AN EMERGENCY
— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) May 13, 2016
Not going down those stairs.
Me: I like the sound of that. What are you doing under those covers?
Wife: Stirring mac and cheese.
Me: oh hell yeah
— Covfefe Rock🇺🇸 (@TheMichaelRock) April 14, 2016
What is it with cheese and porn?
me: want me to make dinner
wife: nah it's ok honey, I know you're still tired from doing it back in 2003
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) August 24, 2016
Ouch. Too much honesty.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He's getting married, Karen
— Floyd is dead (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016
It is legal now.
Before I got married I didn't realize "What do you want to watch?" was a rhetorical question
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 16, 2016
Every question after marriage is rhetorical.
Wife: I'm going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I'm stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I'm going to Taco…
Me: I'll have 9 tacos.
— keith (@tchrquotes) February 28, 2015
Taco trucks on every corner.
My growing Crocs collection is forcing my wife to make some tough decisions about her future.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) June 7, 2016
As well she should.
Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 23, 2016
Try to seduce your husband? You have to try? I’d suggest cheese.
You: *opens mouth to say something
Me: "Shh, baby, I really don't feel like arguing right now."
— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) March 20, 2016
There’s something refreshing about honesty like this.
My wife & I are pretty sure if we make coffee, we can stay awake to watch a movie after 9 PM. So yeah, I'd say we keep it lit.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 16, 2016
Yeah, well I’m now streaming episode after episode of House Hunters, just so I can cut them off. If it doesn’t work, I’m going to try the cheese.
Most of your time being married is spent saying, "I never heard you say that."
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 11, 2016
Because you were listening to the noises!
*complains about wife watching HGTV all the time
*goes on business trip
*watches HGTV in the hotel room
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 17, 2016
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
It's Friday night, so my wife and I drank wine and talked politics.
We had a 20 minute argument over brands of toilet paper.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2016
This exactly. And he’s probably using too much of it.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 24, 2015
When he’s good, he’s our son. When he’s bad he’s her son.
At least you have a love of dogs in common.
At least you have a love of dogs in common.
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
— bela lugosi's beth💀 (@bourgeoisalien) May 3, 2016
I’m the one who coughs. Didn’t know it was a problem until now.
wife: You forgot to turn the TV off last night
[flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Air Bud]
me: No I didn't
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) July 25, 2016
"I was just about to do that chore that I see you're starting now"
— *Halloween Moniker* (@Mr_Kapowski) May 10, 2016
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought exactly this.
*ignores husband for the entirety of our dinner date so I can write him the perfect happy birthday post on FB*
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 9, 2016
Like I said, priorities.
"Should we just lie in bed and eat chocolate and look at the Tupperware catalogue?" My husband, turning me on.
— lauren robinson (@laurenjoyness) August 3, 2016
IF these tweets have taught you anything, it is the importance of cheese. Not chocolate.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016